He Died

He had to be what he was. He had to live himself that way. He was so used to victories even the slightest and most meaningless sense of defeat went heavy on him. That day, when he came to me, he was all imbued in aeons of glory. He was splashing into a pool of swagger in every step. He was not walking, it seemed to me. He was actually trying to crush something beneath his feet. What..? Probably he himself didn't know, but there had to be something, else his muscles wouldn't be tighter than usual, his lips wouldn't try to conceal his gritting teeth, his heart beat wouldn't be audible at a mile, his face wouldn't have contorted. It was not a normal walk by any measure. I did my best to hide an analytical expression on my face and tried hard to wear indifference, it being my favorite weapon against swagger. I marvel at the perfection it counters the vanity with. And it almost always does. Why would that day be different.

He approached me. He stood before me. Attacked me with a thousand eyes he had. I felt them blowing me right in my face. It wasn't easy but I took it. I stood by myself. Discomfited, he started melting. Slowly, very slowly and painfully, bit by bit, layer then another layer. His face kept contorting and the indifference on my face turned into an unshakeable crudity. Then a moment came when he was about to breathe his last. It was excruciating. It shook me for a moment but I composed. I let him dissolve to the last drop and then that drop too would vanish. I did it. Yes, I did.

Who was he? Who was I? He was me and I was I.

Yun Hi

It doesn't even surprise me when I realize that I have been chasing the things I probably never wanted. Or to be more explicit and honest, let me take the 'Probably' off my previous sentence.

Its not a surprise because this knowledge was always buried in some dark corner of my heart. I just never cared to visit that corner. Then, on a rather free and nonchalant sunday morning, when I am relievingly left to myself, I come down to this terrace, recline on the chair, close my eyes and let myself drench in the drizzle of thoughts. Today I hold no highs for myself and I have unfettered all the reservations. I know what choices I want to make, I know what sacrifices I have to accept, I know what trade offs I have to pull and I know what sufferings I am going to pick.

Hmmm, I wish it were that easy.