There are times when you are very calm. You feel you have successfully fit your tiny little self in this big complex world. You are happy. You are happy with your own little simplified self. You are content with your aspirations, desperations, your achievements, your failures, things you own, things you want to own, things you cannot own, your brilliance, your stupidity. You know where to go, how to go and you reach there and you are content again. Every thing seems so easy in those times. You wish this state of mind could stay with you for ever but it doesn't.
For every layer of calm that you have worn, there is sure-fire SOB who penetrates through it and touches your core to unsettle everything. Suddenly everything starts becoming skewed. You stumble against nothingness. Simplest of things start complicating themselves. You are desperate for the things you know you shouldn't, your achievements start appearing like a zilch, you meet failure at every corner of the street, you are not your brilliant self anymore, your own stupidity starts irritating you, you dont know where to go and if you know, you dont know how to. Every damn thing that belongs to you is thrown into a disarray.
Then you realize this is not the first time. You have been through this cycle of calm and disarray multiple times. why then you cant identify the symptoms at an early stage and diagnose that SOB and just distance yourself. May be its not that easy. Because this SOB is smart enough to disguise itself in a new avatar everytime and you are bound to fall for it.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Meta Discussions
Why do people have to be right or wrong? I have started believing very strongly that life is a weird mathematics. Its equations can have a very few variables yet numerous solutions. They can also have a numerous variables and just one solution sometimes. It all seems way too skewed. No surprises. It has to be. Life was never considered to be easy anyway. Still we try to peel off its subtler layers and try to get comfortable with it. Everybody reaches a different core, everybody finds a different truth.
Lately I have been into many conversations with many different people. They have been on greatly diverse topics. Well, everybody enjoys discussions. I too. But lately, I have started observing myself when I get into them. Along the course of conversation, I start registering some meta information in a familiar repository which I try to analyze in future. I have observed that in some serious discussions, I strive to win my point, at times very desperately. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. But these days, I have started experiencing a totally new wave. In the middle of a discussion I lose interest. I feel a detachment from the discussion itself. I start seeing the two or more than two schools of thought in an entirely different light. I start realizing that none of us actually can be proved right or wrong. To end the discussion will either take a time-out call or it will entail that one of the parties get awfully bored and just surrenders, not really losing the point but losing the desire to win the point.
Why do we discuss then? And what kind of things cannot be taken to a conceivable end? If I want to oversimplify, I can say that all opinions that are based on individual tenets are not debatable. Sometimes these tenets or beliefs are as simple as people liking different flavors of coffees. My tastes are my choices. My inane choices. I cannot, by any means, prove one flavor to be better than another one. To be very frank, I want to see most of the things in my life the same way. If I observe closely, I can very genuinely conclude that as much as 90% of the discussions (obviously the non techie ones) are of this sort. You work your guts off to prove your point while your point was as personal as your liking of cappuccino over an espresso shot.
I wish I could simplify all things that way.
I wish when I prove A better than B, I could just mean I like A more than B.
I wish when I see the other person quietly nodding at the end of a debate, I could see his boredom and not his defeat.
I wish....
Lately I have been into many conversations with many different people. They have been on greatly diverse topics. Well, everybody enjoys discussions. I too. But lately, I have started observing myself when I get into them. Along the course of conversation, I start registering some meta information in a familiar repository which I try to analyze in future. I have observed that in some serious discussions, I strive to win my point, at times very desperately. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. But these days, I have started experiencing a totally new wave. In the middle of a discussion I lose interest. I feel a detachment from the discussion itself. I start seeing the two or more than two schools of thought in an entirely different light. I start realizing that none of us actually can be proved right or wrong. To end the discussion will either take a time-out call or it will entail that one of the parties get awfully bored and just surrenders, not really losing the point but losing the desire to win the point.
Why do we discuss then? And what kind of things cannot be taken to a conceivable end? If I want to oversimplify, I can say that all opinions that are based on individual tenets are not debatable. Sometimes these tenets or beliefs are as simple as people liking different flavors of coffees. My tastes are my choices. My inane choices. I cannot, by any means, prove one flavor to be better than another one. To be very frank, I want to see most of the things in my life the same way. If I observe closely, I can very genuinely conclude that as much as 90% of the discussions (obviously the non techie ones) are of this sort. You work your guts off to prove your point while your point was as personal as your liking of cappuccino over an espresso shot.
I wish I could simplify all things that way.
I wish when I prove A better than B, I could just mean I like A more than B.
I wish when I see the other person quietly nodding at the end of a debate, I could see his boredom and not his defeat.
I wish....
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Requiem for a Dream
I don't remember how many times I have blabbered about this movie but may be I am just like that. I do praise excessively when I like something to that extent. However, I never thought I will write about it but somehow I am up to it at this moment.
It was about 15 months ago. I was in Bloomington at that time. Movies were my freshly acquired pastime and time was something I had at plenty. In that random spree, I was lucky to chance upon a lot of good flicks. This was obviously one of them.
I have a very dear friend 'Kullu'. I am mentioning him because among many other things, movies are something we are equally passionate about and to some extent we have similar tastes as well. He was somewhere in Florida at that time. He would often call me and ask 'Londe, koi movie suggest karega kya?'. I would suggest him something from my list of favourites. Then he would or would not watch that one. But that day, it was me who was in a video library, standing among thousands of movies and utterly confused. I called him up and asked for a recommendation. He took some time before coming up with a name.
'Go for 'Require for a dream'.
'What the F***' I retorted. What kind of name it is. It doesn't make any sense.
'Dude, I am not very sure about the name either, why don't you just go to the counter and ask him if there is a movie with similar name.'
'hmmmm'
I hung up. Thought I would select a movie myself and starting surfing the shelves. I did not want to make a fool of myself.
Looking around, my eyes rested on a very pretty brunette sitting at the counter. There was almost nobody else in the library. I took a deep sigh. After a few moments, I threw another glance at her. She looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. I was wowed. I took another deep sigh and shrugged her off. Then suddenly I realized I had a good reason to go up to her and have a word. I complied.
'Excuse me..!!'
'Yes sir..!! May I help you..?'
'Do you have a movie by the name 'Require for a dream'??'
She suppressed a giggle and said, 'Sir, the name is 'Requiem for a dream' Its on the counter C. I will get it for you'.
'Please do, thank you'
I darned myself for that suppressed giggle. Why didn't I confirm the name before asking her.
Anyway, she brought me the DVD. I paid her a dollar, gave her another foolish smile and simply drove back home.
I distinctly remember it was a new 27' TV that we had bought that day. I was alone at home and was somehow not able to make the DVD player connections properly. Took me a long time before I could finally do it. The movie started. It started with something that looked like an ad campaign of a Dietary pill. I tried several times to do away with that ad and start the movie. Got very irritated and left the DVD in the player. I went to kitchen and made some tea for me. By the time I came back the movie had started. I, then realized that the ad was actually an act in the movie.
During the course of next two hours, It turned out to be one of the most intense movies I had ever watched. By the time it climaxed, I was out of my senses. I found myself clutching my fists, my heart beating at least twice as fast and my eyes popping out in sheer awe of the movie.
Later on, I suggested the same movie to another friend, Dheeraj. He watched it, may be not as awestruck as I was, but what he fell for was the background score. He had watched the movie wearing his Bose headphones. He told me it was an experience par excellence. I was not too interested in the music at that time but after a few months when I listened to it independently, I was all praises for it too. well, I don't understand music and specially the non-Indian ones rarely goes down well with me, but this one was too good to ignore.
After some time, I ordered for the DVD of the movie and Music CD for the soundtrack for my personal collection. It rested ignored in my cupboard until friday when I found time to take it out, load it up my iPod and take it to office. This was the first time that I actually listened to it with full concentration. Now, I wonder if I have words to describe it and I wonder if I will ever have. The music is so phenomenal and so complete and so intense, it rides up your brain give you a tizz you may probably have never experienced. It is abound with a high dose of passion. This is something I totally lack and may be thats why I felt so complete. Its a journey to a totally different world.
It is composed by Clint Mansell and the CD cover says it features 'Kronos Quartet'. I have absolutely no idea what does a Kronos Quartet mean but whatever it is, it has given the soundtrack a splendid touch.
All you music lovers and serious movie watchers, 'Requiem of a Dream' is a dead must.
The duo of Director Darren Aronofsky and Music composer Clint Mansell has again gotten together in movie 'PI'. I have already acquired the DVD and just cant wait to watch it.
It was about 15 months ago. I was in Bloomington at that time. Movies were my freshly acquired pastime and time was something I had at plenty. In that random spree, I was lucky to chance upon a lot of good flicks. This was obviously one of them.
I have a very dear friend 'Kullu'. I am mentioning him because among many other things, movies are something we are equally passionate about and to some extent we have similar tastes as well. He was somewhere in Florida at that time. He would often call me and ask 'Londe, koi movie suggest karega kya?'. I would suggest him something from my list of favourites. Then he would or would not watch that one. But that day, it was me who was in a video library, standing among thousands of movies and utterly confused. I called him up and asked for a recommendation. He took some time before coming up with a name.
'Go for 'Require for a dream'.
'What the F***' I retorted. What kind of name it is. It doesn't make any sense.
'Dude, I am not very sure about the name either, why don't you just go to the counter and ask him if there is a movie with similar name.'
'hmmmm'
I hung up. Thought I would select a movie myself and starting surfing the shelves. I did not want to make a fool of myself.
Looking around, my eyes rested on a very pretty brunette sitting at the counter. There was almost nobody else in the library. I took a deep sigh. After a few moments, I threw another glance at her. She looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. I was wowed. I took another deep sigh and shrugged her off. Then suddenly I realized I had a good reason to go up to her and have a word. I complied.
'Excuse me..!!'
'Yes sir..!! May I help you..?'
'Do you have a movie by the name 'Require for a dream'??'
She suppressed a giggle and said, 'Sir, the name is 'Requiem for a dream' Its on the counter C. I will get it for you'.
'Please do, thank you'
I darned myself for that suppressed giggle. Why didn't I confirm the name before asking her.
Anyway, she brought me the DVD. I paid her a dollar, gave her another foolish smile and simply drove back home.
I distinctly remember it was a new 27' TV that we had bought that day. I was alone at home and was somehow not able to make the DVD player connections properly. Took me a long time before I could finally do it. The movie started. It started with something that looked like an ad campaign of a Dietary pill. I tried several times to do away with that ad and start the movie. Got very irritated and left the DVD in the player. I went to kitchen and made some tea for me. By the time I came back the movie had started. I, then realized that the ad was actually an act in the movie.
During the course of next two hours, It turned out to be one of the most intense movies I had ever watched. By the time it climaxed, I was out of my senses. I found myself clutching my fists, my heart beating at least twice as fast and my eyes popping out in sheer awe of the movie.
Later on, I suggested the same movie to another friend, Dheeraj. He watched it, may be not as awestruck as I was, but what he fell for was the background score. He had watched the movie wearing his Bose headphones. He told me it was an experience par excellence. I was not too interested in the music at that time but after a few months when I listened to it independently, I was all praises for it too. well, I don't understand music and specially the non-Indian ones rarely goes down well with me, but this one was too good to ignore.
After some time, I ordered for the DVD of the movie and Music CD for the soundtrack for my personal collection. It rested ignored in my cupboard until friday when I found time to take it out, load it up my iPod and take it to office. This was the first time that I actually listened to it with full concentration. Now, I wonder if I have words to describe it and I wonder if I will ever have. The music is so phenomenal and so complete and so intense, it rides up your brain give you a tizz you may probably have never experienced. It is abound with a high dose of passion. This is something I totally lack and may be thats why I felt so complete. Its a journey to a totally different world.
It is composed by Clint Mansell and the CD cover says it features 'Kronos Quartet'. I have absolutely no idea what does a Kronos Quartet mean but whatever it is, it has given the soundtrack a splendid touch.
All you music lovers and serious movie watchers, 'Requiem of a Dream' is a dead must.
The duo of Director Darren Aronofsky and Music composer Clint Mansell has again gotten together in movie 'PI'. I have already acquired the DVD and just cant wait to watch it.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
He Died
He had to be what he was. He had to live himself that way. He was so used to victories even the slightest and most meaningless sense of defeat went heavy on him. That day, when he came to me, he was all imbued in aeons of glory. He was splashing into a pool of swagger in every step. He was not walking, it seemed to me. He was actually trying to crush something beneath his feet. What..? Probably he himself didn't know, but there had to be something, else his muscles wouldn't be tighter than usual, his lips wouldn't try to conceal his gritting teeth, his heart beat wouldn't be audible at a mile, his face wouldn't have contorted. It was not a normal walk by any measure. I did my best to hide an analytical expression on my face and tried hard to wear indifference, it being my favorite weapon against swagger. I marvel at the perfection it counters the vanity with. And it almost always does. Why would that day be different.
He approached me. He stood before me. Attacked me with a thousand eyes he had. I felt them blowing me right in my face. It wasn't easy but I took it. I stood by myself. Discomfited, he started melting. Slowly, very slowly and painfully, bit by bit, layer then another layer. His face kept contorting and the indifference on my face turned into an unshakeable crudity. Then a moment came when he was about to breathe his last. It was excruciating. It shook me for a moment but I composed. I let him dissolve to the last drop and then that drop too would vanish. I did it. Yes, I did.
Who was he? Who was I? He was me and I was I.
He approached me. He stood before me. Attacked me with a thousand eyes he had. I felt them blowing me right in my face. It wasn't easy but I took it. I stood by myself. Discomfited, he started melting. Slowly, very slowly and painfully, bit by bit, layer then another layer. His face kept contorting and the indifference on my face turned into an unshakeable crudity. Then a moment came when he was about to breathe his last. It was excruciating. It shook me for a moment but I composed. I let him dissolve to the last drop and then that drop too would vanish. I did it. Yes, I did.
Who was he? Who was I? He was me and I was I.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Yun Hi
It doesn't even surprise me when I realize that I have been chasing the things I probably never wanted. Or to be more explicit and honest, let me take the 'Probably' off my previous sentence.
Its not a surprise because this knowledge was always buried in some dark corner of my heart. I just never cared to visit that corner. Then, on a rather free and nonchalant sunday morning, when I am relievingly left to myself, I come down to this terrace, recline on the chair, close my eyes and let myself drench in the drizzle of thoughts. Today I hold no highs for myself and I have unfettered all the reservations. I know what choices I want to make, I know what sacrifices I have to accept, I know what trade offs I have to pull and I know what sufferings I am going to pick.
Hmmm, I wish it were that easy.
Its not a surprise because this knowledge was always buried in some dark corner of my heart. I just never cared to visit that corner. Then, on a rather free and nonchalant sunday morning, when I am relievingly left to myself, I come down to this terrace, recline on the chair, close my eyes and let myself drench in the drizzle of thoughts. Today I hold no highs for myself and I have unfettered all the reservations. I know what choices I want to make, I know what sacrifices I have to accept, I know what trade offs I have to pull and I know what sufferings I am going to pick.
Hmmm, I wish it were that easy.
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